By Harvey Deutschendorf
Whether it is at work, or our personal relationships, we automatically gravitate to those who we feel safe and welcomed to be around. As humans we are wired for connection. We naturally want to be around those who hear us and see us. It makes us feel appreciated and understood. When we feel that way, we want to spend more time with the people who make us feel this way, hire them, buy from them, and help them in any manner we can. Successful people can have strong networks whom they trust, believe in, and can count on for support through good times and difficulties. One common denominator of people who can form strong connections is that they have high emotional intelligence. It is an ability we can all develop, regardless of where we are at in the present time.
These are 5 ways emotional Intelligence can help us form strong connections:
Awareness of their emotions
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of their own emotions and very good at regulating them. They realize that becoming emotionally aware is a lifelong journey and have made a conscious decision to continue to work on increasing theirs. One of the ways they do so is by increasing their emotional vocabulary. Brené Brown in her book “Atlas of the Heart” talks about the importance of language in connection. “Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self- awareness. When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited.”
“We created a deck of emotions cards we use in coaching and training to help managers build their vocabulary and understanding of their own emotions,” says David Cory, an EQ coach and trainer from Canada.
Practice active listening
People high in emotional intelligence are good active listeners, adept at drawing out other’s thoughts and feelings. Most of the time people are thinking of a response, instead of hearing and trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Emotional Intelligence helps us to delve further into other’s feelings and perspectives by not jumping to conclusions but gaining a deeper understanding of the motivations and drivers that are influencing others. Even if they don’t agree with their viewpoint, people high in EI will make connections with people with the capacity for others to feel heard. This will lead to deeper dialogue and respect even when coming from divergent viewpoints.
Robert Waldinger, who directs the longest study of adult life ever done, notes: “the happiest and most successful people in our 85-year study were those who were actively curious about others. Even when we think we know everything there is to know about someone, there’s always room to ask ourselves, ‘What is this person showing me right now that I’ve never noticed before? And how could I let them know that I appreciate that?’”
Make it about the other person
Have you ever known someone who only talks about themselves, their world and shows no interest in yours? We all have, and likely want to spend as little time with these people as possible. Emotionally intelligent people are just the opposite. They put the focus on us by showing an interest in our lives. Remember how good it felt when someone surprised us by remembering something important that we told them? People with strong emotional intelligence try to remember things about us to bring up in future conversations. They go the extra distance to make us feel that we are important to them.
Carolyn Stern, President and CEO of EI Experience, shares tips on how leaders can take an interest in their employees in her new book, The Emotionally Strong Leader. One of her simple tips is to “have regular check-ins with your employees. Provide them with a safe place to express their fears and stressors; you would be surprised how such a simple action can have such a profound effect on someone’s day.”
Present themselves as approachable, secure, and positive
Highly emotionally intelligent people are aware of the message that their demeanor and body language send out to others. Their smile and their body language indicate someone who is open, welcoming, and positive. In social situations, they don’t take themselves too seriously, using self-deprecating humor to liven up and add to conversations. This makes them very approachable and puts people they are interacting with and others around them at ease.
Carolyn Stern reminds leaders that “you can be emotional and strong; these characteristics are not mutually exclusive.” Stern encourages leaders to embrace their emotions and be human at work. She says, “time is up for the irreproachable leader who is stoic, detached, and emotionally cold and whose inability to be seen as anything but in control creates tense and inauthentic interactions.”
Have the courage to show vulnerability
Brené Brown, who has made it her mission to help others become more vulnerable states, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Most of us have experienced being shamed and hurt in some manner when something we have shared has been used against us. By being vulnerable, we show that we are open to others’ vulnerabilities and give them permission to do so. When people can open and be vulnerable, it greatly deepens the bond and connection between them.
David Cory says, “we get pushback from managers who don’t understand why they need to share more of their emotions with their employees. What helps them is to understand that when we share more of who we are, we become known and create the environment for trust and psychological safety to grow.”
